I can’t work now… so I’m going to write. Too much on my mind. Too much on my heart.
I found out, from the wonders of Facebook first thing this morning, that a really good friend of mine from high school passed away from cancer yesterday. So let me state a few things.
1. I can’t even remember if I knew she had cancer. How does that work? Look at her page. Look at her life. She LIVED. Traveled the US, partied, kicked it, laughed, drank, danced… ALL with a huge, bright, brilliant, white smile on her face. If I knew (that she had cancer), it was one of the moments were you pause and get kind of sad, but then she passes you your next shot, and you go on with the party. You never questioned that she whether or not she’d beat it. She made Patch Adams look like a mime.
2. While I didn’t speak to her as much as I wanted or should of… I have memories. Damn, I was a fat, funny looking/ ugly, awkward high schooler. And to be honest, I’m not sure I’ve grown out of half of those descriptions. But she was one my of my first friends. Seriously. Me, her and Kristin Woods, used to hang out on weekends, lunch, after school, in the rock garden, in violin class, etc.. We made some of my favorite memories from high school, but WAY inappropriate for publicizing as successful and mature adults. LoL. We had fun, we weren’t… that stupid. We laughed. I remember when her and White Leah got their tattoos from Doug’s with their fake IDs, like Sophomore/ Junior year. LoL. I still chuckle.
3. Even without all the talking, when she was near me, she called and invited me out. When I was living in NY, she came to visit around this time. She called me to hang out with her and her family. While her father only slightly remembered me (and I flirted with him shamelessly in high school for him to obviously pay me know mind) she made sure I saw her parents. Made sure we could all sit and chat for awhile before running a muck. I wasn’t separated or on the outside because I wasn’t family… it was her world and she shared with everyone in it.
4. I think from losing a lot of people around my age, she didn’t make me question life and choice per se, but was a real slap in the face about life. Never thought I’d be mourning the loss of a high school classmate at 30. Young or not. Fair or not fair… unimportant. Just a slap. Sheer shock. HNHS c/o 2001, Cookie Monster!!
5. I keep thinking of her family. God, I wish I could be there to support physically. One of the burdens I carry living, not only outside of the US, but on the opposite side of the US, is that I can’t go to Oakland or the Bay Area and support the way I want. I get news through Facebook, and hours late. Even if a phone call away, unless know my number or where I am, who’s answering a 829 area code? I pray for Frankie, her parents, her cousins, her boyfriend, her older siblings…. because one thing I know, is that Erin is loved. Her best friends were often family, and those best friends who weren’t family, then became family. Her passing, cancer or not, “prepared” or not, is a grave loss.
6. Do I need to make a bucket list? Because Erin had one and accomplished so many. LoL. That’s how life needs to be lived, with or with out reason, or if the reason is only knowing someday it will end. So we need to live it up, live it up.
7. Cancer is something that needs to be fought. Constant fighting, pain, suffering. It’s in moments like this, regardless of the smile one wears, I understand “rest in peace.” Peace, calm, tranquility… no more pain. No more suffering. No more late night tears, or dark looming thoughts, or subconsciously watching the clock. I grateful she is able to REST in PEACE… because obviously her body was tired.
8. There were times in my life where I felt totally unloved, unwanted, completely not normal, insecure as hell. And when those thoughts creep in, I know they are lies. Why? I have so many friends and family- literally around the world- that I know I can call on at anytime and they will be there like the Jackson 5. I think the biggest lesson this has taught me is that we all need to live to make an impact. Even if just our smile. Also, to stop taking people for granted. I’m not going to sit here and lie and act like I’m going to talk to everybody every day or week. It’s not true. But I will stomp that dark cloud that tries to creep, because it lessens the worth of the people who have blessed me by being in my life, and they are worth more.
I don’t have much more to say… trying to keep the tears at bay (and failing) as I make it through the day. Wishing for a hug, comfort and support… then reminded I made the choice to travel the world alone. I just want my pillow, my bed, and some liquor to pour some out for my girl, then a shot for the living.
Erin (resting in peace) is on the left… and my fat ass is on the right. This was taken senior year, when I at least grew into my fatness. LoL