Where I’m At (A Personal Update)

This is where I’m at. While I wish I had more comedic anecdotes, this isn’t a response to the last episode of “Insecure,” what’s happening in the black community, or why more 30- somethings are turning away from the traditional like church and buying homes. This is just about me, right now. I’m working on these onion layers. And while I unpack, I find peace in writing, and since I have no one to call and talk about this with… this allows me to pretend that I have friends and people care. *Kanye shrug*

  1. This is a lonely ass journey. As I unpack, and address the behaviors and ideas that are hurtful… I realize it covers most of the people in my life. And the ones who are probably better, I don’t do an efficient job of maintaining relationships. Sometimes I don’t want to be the only one reaching out. Sometimes I want to be reached out to. I want to not feel that in the attempts I do make. And I also know no one is that busy… I’m not waiting hours to hear bullshit responses when I legit know your life.
  2. On a selfish note, I’m realizing that hella homies are selfish. Currently I’m going through some shit. Unloading at therapy has me in my emotions. And when I give an inkling of needing support, some of the same people who constantly reach out to bitch and complain… say nothing. They don’t step up, but will always make requests. Noted.
  3. Therapy is hella hard. While I trust the process… this shit ain’t for the feint at heart. Uncovering the shit that has been the norm to push back. Hard. Having someone validate your feelings, your hurts, your past. It hurts. It’s allowing all the excuses you made up for people, to ignore their behavior… no longer be acceptable. It also means that my walls aren’t as strong to block everyday hurt and mishaps.
  4. I have realized through acts of my own, that due to my walls and untrust, people don’t know me, although they think I do. LoL. I’ve literally been sat down, for someone to attempt to read me, based off knowing on surface information and anecdotes. I could only laugh. You can’t observe a person in passing, especially when you’re too busy trying to be right in what you “know” of that person. No questions though… fuck outta here with that bullshit story, be humble, and ask of someones adventures. I wish I was impressed… now I just see bullshit, which makes me step even further away.
  5. I’m also trying to figure out why correcting people, about oneself, is considered being defensive. And on that same note, why must I always apologize for my feelings/being? I feel like I’m constantly trying to just be valid and my authentic self. But there’s no room. Happy and go lucky will always be me… but I hurt. I’m human. Tired of taking “L’s” for every fucking thing and every fucking body.
  6. And that leads to the fear. If I let go of all the negative people, the unequal relationships, the people who hurt or don’t care enough, those I walk on eggshells for, those I’m more worried about bruising their egos, then what it does to my spirit… who’s left?
  7. I have traveled and lived in many places. Many of the choices left me with smaller circles or circles constantly being rebuilt. There isn’t really anyone. All I have seem to be people aren’t 100%, and while I want to feel like a victim, the reality is there are reflection of me. I attract who I am. I don’t give 100… so I can’t attract it. And when I do… I’m still reminded that I can’t rely on those people anyways, so now what. I keep half ass people around because at least someone is around.
  8. While I wish I could write my blog of funny stories and adventures, I want to plant roots, and act my age. So life just doesn’t seem to be full of silliness. I can’t live freely or love freely, because in the New World, those definitions change. But I’m living. Maybe too much. Too much reality. Too much pain. Too much me. Getting back to a point where I feel indifferent about life, and what I want I have no control over, so I’m also just a victim of circumstances.
  9. Oh and the guy I’m seeing. Can’t share photos because I’m not really wanted, but when I ask if I’m FWB or the date on when getting “friendzoned”, I’m the asshole. I can’t ask for anything, or require behaviors, because we’re not dating. He’s not my man, he doesn’t want a relationship… I just get to play house, perpetually on edge ready for it to end. He says yes to meeting my friends and being a part of my life, but it’s very clear I’m not apart of his. And that hurts. Because is it that he’s ashamed of me? Too big? Too baldheaded? Not polished? I mean I got spit on, and just cleaned it away, with a chuckle. He just talked about it. Didn’t stand up for me. And while it was from above, and not malicious, I was reminded that no one will defend me or speak up for me. So just leave you say. Well he’s a good man, and when I’m not on, I enjoy him and my time spent with him. Things are never about me, even when I admit my feelings are hurt. Not with him, not with my family, not with “friends.” Why can’t I be selfish?
  10. Things will get better. The sun will shine brighter. This I know, and again, why I trust the process. I just want to love and be loved unconditionally. Not to act in the favorable manner, or always consider everyone but myself. To be loved as Kennda, Kenne, Kali, Ms. Burt… and all they encompass. But right now, things are difficult. And instead of just being able to live it out, I’m fucking constantly apologizing for being myself. And I’m fucking tired because it’s creating more shame and guilt, and reminding that I’m not even allowed to be fucking me.
  11. I really need a hug and a cuddle session.

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