There are two things I often hear: 1- you accept the love you think you deserve and 2- you can’t expect anyone to love you when you don’t love yourself. They almost don’t match. If I don’t love myself… does that mean I don’t deserve to be loved… so then what do I accept? The same insecurity, feelings of unworthiness? How does that work?
I’m tired of only being sexualized. That’s not a compliment. My chest is big, my thighs are big, and have a nice mouth… thanks. I’ve done nothing for those. But I have worked to be smart and well versed. Well rounded and able to fit in various groups. I get that it’s the physical is what attracts one at first… but when that’s it? Then I have the opposite, when it’s just my mind and personality that attracts someone. How the fuck do I keep that? If physical is important, and there’s nothing about me that’s attractive, I’m still alone.
And self love. I’m in therapy for that shit. I don’t. I haven’t had an healthy or even good example of just being loved for me. Always how I’ve played my role… but not my authentic self. I’m at a point where I’m not even sure who that is? So how do I deserve love? Get love? Will I ever be loved?
I’d love for someone to show me the way. Someone who I didn’t questions overtime they stepped away. Someone I’m always waiting to be ghosted by. Someone who is not using me as a place holder. Is that what I think I deserve? Hell no. But what does one do when that’s all they get? Women are told to love men at their lowest, build them up and support them… but I’m told I can’t be loved and not worth the effort and investment.
I have walls up. Thick walls… no White Walker Dragon is getting through walls. And when I open the gates, I’m kind of reminded why I stay behind the walls. I’m reminded I’m not wanted… not in the long run. Then I’m reminded that I’m not worth the investment. I’m reminded I’m just a place holder. I’m reminded that all I may ever be are my lips, tits, and thighs. And I’ve given those away. Trying to find self love, in making love (or just fucking), and I walk away feeling lesser.
I wanna trust… but for love. Fuck I don’t want anymore friends. I wanna be kissed. My hands to be held. Not afraid to touch, and comfortable in my skin. I want to love fully, without fear of running someone off. I just want to be free to love. Not shamed because I don’t just want to fuck. Or feel shamed because I’m not desirable enough to fuck. Why is the opposite never addressed? If never desired, why would one feel better about their self? When you become of a certain age, family and friends isn’t enough. A pet isn’t enough. And kids don’t pop up outta nowhere.
Never good enough. That’s what I’m reminded. So is that the love I deserve? None? And since I fight everyday to love myself, does that mean I’m unloveable? Am I unloveable because I’ve never been taught to love myself? So now what? I just feel lost. Like I’m just walking on a treadmill and getting nowhere. I just don’t know, and I feel like I am running out of time.
Okay. The tears have dried, and I’m going to take a sleeping pill. Fuck this shit. No one is reading anyway.