Underrated. Hands down. No hesitation. No confusion.
I think I’m overrated. Seriously. I think people see me in ways, in which I do emulate, but forget that I’m still human, still light, still spirit… all which are malleable. Even trees give way to storms, houses crumble, Towers fall… and some are even reinforced with steel.
My path has not been an easy one. I’m far from home, no family, friends have moved out, away, shifted… Normal parts of life, I know. Doesn’t make it any easier. I’ve lost countless family and friends in the last two years. These include my uncle, the patriarch of my mother’s family, and my grandmother, the matriarch of my father’s family. My uncle is the one who escorted and gave me away at my cotillion, my grandmother is one of the reasons that during my 11 hour layover in ATL I can visit my sister, maybe niece and nephew… These people have altered, changed and bettered my life. And yet, I’m treated like because I don’t talk about them always, their loss wasn’t/ isn’t detrimental.
Ask me how many people have asked if I’m okay. A hand’s worth? Including my mother… Just because I’ve decided to leave the histrionics at home, doesn’t mean I’m without histrionics. Just because I’ve sobbed in my pillow, doesn’t mean my head isn’t pounding and eyes aren’t aching in the morning. Just because I’ve decided to wash my face in the bathroom, doesn’t mean tears and snot weren’t running down it. I thought is was being mature… now it seems to be a double edged sword, a catch- 22.
Just because I live far from home, doesn’t mean I don’t miss it. Just because I live away from my family, doesn’t mean I don’t crave them. Just because I don’t consistently talk about my family, doesn’t mean they’re aren’t on my mind. Sometimes it hurts harder to learn EVERYTHING second hand from a status, because never present. Maybe I don’t want to talk about them. I miss them immensely. Every child birth, every loss, every birthday, ever hospital trip… I learn from a Facebook status. I’ve been sick literally since August. Even if not fever, something else. I haven’t had a day when I’ve felt, physically, 100. Spiritually, I’m set. Emotionally, most days I’m good and that counts bounce backs. Physically… I’m tired of being sick. LoL. And people think that that’s just okay? That I think that’s okay?
Fuck them. Fuck you if you’re reading and think that. I’m not ice. I have a heart. I have more hours than I can count, alone with a puppy, in a three bedroom- empty apartment, where I can be reminded of being alone. There are many a lonely days, and the more heavier recognition that I have no one to call, and those I would are unavailable locally or in a different country. Screw being overrated! Because in being overrated, it seems people forget human; with emotions, pains, loneliness… Just because I choose to not broadcast, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.
And truthfully, at 31, I decided I was tired of complaining (this is a vent, lol). I tired of letting the ever lingering shadows and negativity cast darkness over my sun… my light. I chose to choose peace. I want to smile. I don’t want to always talk about it. If I was asked when it happened, different. Five days later, I don’t want to dwell. I want to absorb, find the lesson, change and grow. In that order. But change isn’t always easy. Growth not always painless.
Why am I not allowed to be weak or have weak moments? Why don’t others treat and support me the way I do them? Why do I have to be the forgiving and understanding one ALWAYS? While I understand my choice to be the above, it’s a two way street. Being overrated often means, people don’t meet you half way, not acknowledging that journey may be a hard one to do the whole way alone.
Sometimes that darkness creeps in. Period. And we know that one dot of black paint, has now turned the white to gray. Give me a break sometimes. Let me be human. Understand that sometimes a little black drips in the white… while knowing I always have more white paint to start fresh with. Stop asking everyone else about my gray an not me. I am the one who needs the support. Also, question why, if normally you are aware of my color spectrum, why you no longer are. No man is an island. No change does not have a rippling effect. Why do I have to withstand everyone else’s waves, while they get out the water for mine? Because, I feel at times… I’m overrated.
It takes a lot of work to find peace in multiple aspects of normal life which is always chaotic.
And I must admit… to step out and reflect, being overrated is a compliment. That requires faith not only in the person, but in their abilities. People believe that the other is capable of great things, sometimes outside of their true limits. They have trust knowing that person to stand and be able to withstand.
Maybe I’m not overrated. Maybe people see in me a strength I don’t see in myself. Maybe people see the peace that I focus and strive for. But I would also like those people to be reminded, it takes only one proverbial straw to break the camel’s back. Let me give. Doesn’t mean I’m breaking or can’t be re-patched up. But help me. Don’t point fingers. Don’t ask my neighbors. Don’t ask and gossip with strangers. Don’t belittle me. Don’t hold up a one – sided mirror. Help a nigga out. LoL. I always bounce back. I’m very flexible… doesn’t mean that a new position doesn’t cause pain.
Honestly, sometimes I want to be underrated, so I can surprise people with my awesomeness or to just have an easier time. Lowered expectation, constant check ins and offered support… But as I read that admittance, it’s wanting that is just weakness and laziness. And that’s not my story nor do I want it to be. Because to be honest, I ask for help when I need it… but damn it would be nice, if just offered. I love myself, but a little more wouldn’t hurt. Just sayin.